Twin-deciders help us reinforce our decisions and make sure our decisions are stable and sound. They keep us committed to a goal and make sure we do not go away from a decision. They hold us accountable to what we say and question us when we doubt our decisions.
A twin observer acts as an extra pair of eyes for us, helping us see more opportunities or possibilities and adding to our perspective of something. They will help us verify what we are seeing and act as a reassurance “I see it the same way!”. At other times, they may question us when we are denying important facts. They will let us know if we are starting to see things in an unrealistic manner.
Twin actors will help each others move forward, supporting each others actions and keeping the other going forward in life. They will join us in our actions and follow us, and when we get stuck, they will help us untangle the situation. They tend to act as cheerleaders, encouraging us to move forward and to keep going.
Twin-reviewers help back up our values about something and make sure we stay true to our beliefs. They support our feelings. They help us get emotional support and verification. They will show us that other people can see things the same way, showing us they relate and that they see things similarly. This can help strengthen us in what we do and make us feel more sure of ourselves. But this type may also act as a guard when we are going against our values. They will question us by saying “You don’t really want this.” and they will know when we are hiding from how we really feel about something.
Rival deciders have a tendency to disagree with our decisions and to believe we should have done something differently. “Why didn’t you try this?” the rival-decider may say. The view may be that you are making things unnecessarily complicated and that you should have made another decision. There may be a disagreement or misunderstanding about what you want and your intentions. But when healthy, the rival may also come to appreciate your disagreements, realizing that your values may help you succeed where they would fail.
Rival observers tend to always have a different take on a situation, and will often see things differently than we do. They tend to remember things differently and often wonder how we came to see something a certain way. There may be disagreements in how to define or explain something, and the thought may be that they must have misunderstood the situation somehow.
Rival actors will usually do the opposite of what we would have done in a situation. They may always purpose an alternate course of action. The tendency can be to feel the other person is making things unnecessarily slow or complicated, and the other person has chosen the wrong path. We may believe our way is better or smarter and that the other person is lost. When positive, however, we may also admire their different choices, and we will be surprised to realize that their path may also work. We may come to admire and respect them for what they find and achieve on the way, even if, in the end, we prefer our own route.
Rival reviewers will question our views and how we see something. Typically, they will laugh or find our values amusing. They may be surprised to hear other people are like you or may find you “weird”. There is this feeling that you must be crazy for feeling a certain way. But there is also a respect when they realize your values may have merits, and an acceptance when they realize you are able to realize your values and to make it happen.
A sidekick decider will tend to want to back up our decision somehow, by coming at it from a different angle. They may offer alternative decisions and ways to get the same results you want. There may be a feeling of “Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of this?” when speaking with a sidekick-decision maker. When unhealthy, there may be disagreements in approach. We may think the other person is making things unnecessarily complicated and we may be overly sure of our own decisions.
Sidekick observers will want to double check and see if our observation adds up from another viewpoint or angle. We may be fascinated by the possibility the other person sees and we may be really interested in how they view it, but we may still choose to come at it from another angle.
Sidekick actors will typically take a supportive course of action, in synch with our own behavior in a situation. The idea is “If they go this way, what way should I choose?” and we may see ways to help or aid by providing backup and by covering the other persons blindspot. But more negatively, we may misunderstand that the other person is going in the wrong way. This may make us unsure about what to do or how to behave in a situation.
The sidekick reviewer adds to our feelings and perspective in a situation, helping us reevaluate it. The sidekick may process their values and feelings differently than we may. The communication style can be “Yes, and…” as the sidekick reviewer feels a need to complement our perspective and to help us move forward when we are struggling with something. This can however lead to confusion and values-based anxiety, as we may not know how to feel about something.
The mentor decider will typically act to guide our decision making and make sure we consider all decisions before we do something. They often help us make decisions and show us how to overcome confusion and decision making anxiety. The issue is they may sometimes be inclined to make decisions for us. They may say “This is how it should be done.” and there may come a time where you need to protect your boundaries in this. This is usually done by reminding them that what is true to them, may not be true to you.
The mentor observer will typically want to act as an aide to ground our observation and to show us things could be different. They help us clear our head and to see things more clearly. More negatively though, they may force their views on us, telling us how we should see or think about something.
A Mentor actor will typically try to guide our actions and our behavior, acting as a kind of leash and making sure we don’t do anything stupid. Typically, they will help us show us what to do next or how to act or deal with something in the moment. The issue is this type may be inclined to act “for us” doing what they think needs to be done.
The mentor reviewer shows us an alternative viewpoint or way of looking at something, helping us calm down and helping us manage our values. They will help us understand our feelings better and will give us what we need to make up our mind. But they may also have a bad habit of thinking they know better for us. They may sometimes feel they need to push their views on us and at times they may overstep their boundaries.
Strengthening your relationships
When you know your own type and the type of the other person, use the formula above to find out your relationship. For example, the INFJ and ENFP will have a sidekick relationship, meaning what they value and what they are interested in is generally the same. Still, the sidekick will come at things from a different angle than us, helping us by showing us another side to the picture.
While it may feel nice to be with someone who is like us, such a person may also project their own insecurities about themselves towards us. We may feel rejected by such a person or we may attempt to reject them. There may be a conflict over identity and space.
We may feel that the other person is getting in our way at times and that they are “repeating what I wanted to say” and there may be small conflicts over space at time. But overall, this tends to be a very positive interaction, helping us teach ourselves a lot about ourselves. Ideally, this pairing will foster self-acceptance and self-awareness.
The sidekick wants similar things to what we do. They often have similar values and interests that they can explore together with us. But their take on things may still be very different. Their process is also very different, and they may start in a different angle or come at things from a different perspective than we do. They may also have different needs and may require certain things to deal with a situation that we do not need.
The sidekick can in many ways act as firewood for us, opening up new possibilities or showing us an alternative way to reach our values. When unhealthy, this relationship may be riddled with misunderstandings, and we may struggle to know how to support the other person when they are engaged with their own process.
Mentors usually need the same things we do. But their values and interests may still differ from us greatly. The great thing about the mentor is that they can give us what we need to succeed and can help us get through something or process a decision, but they can never make the decision for us. Because their values differ from us, there may occasionally be conflicts in values and we may feel they do not know or understand what we want.
A rival tends to have different needs and values to us. But this may not necessarily be a bad thing. While the rival has a tendency to disagree with us and while they may see things differently, they often give us a chance to prove ourselves and act as a test or a “graduation ceremony.”
The rival may cause us to feel unsure of ourselves and our way, and may cause us to doubt our own power and ability, but they can also help us prove our power. When positive, the rival relationship will help foster a mutual respect, as both notice that the other persons interests and values can be used to achieve great and surprising results. But this requires us to give the other person space and to let them get what they need.