Relationships

Same needsSame needs and attractorsSame attractors
FriendIdeal matchFlame

I believe love is a combination of what we are attracted to, and what we need. We have people around us that give us things we need, and those usually make good friends.

We also have people that give us things that attract us to them, but not things that we need. Those people tend to be “flames”. Then we have people that give us things we need, as well as things we find attractive. Those people tend to make our ideal partners. 

Attractors: Does the MBTI Determine What We Are Attracted To?

Many believe your MBTI personality type can make or break your relationship to another person. At least, MBTI type tends to often determine attraction. I believe your MBTI type can decide what kind of values you tend to hold highly, for example, the ENFP can represent freedom and honesty, and the ISTJ can represent discipline and ambition.

But this only says something about the persons flow type. The ENFP may not have flow and may not act in a way that is honest, and they may not act in a manner that is free-spirited. A person that is attracted to free-spiritedness can miss a reserved ENFP or even find them unattractive. So you may not always be drawn to all ENFPs, only those that represent the values you find most attractive in a partner.

Needs: Does Enneagram Determine What We Need In A Partner?

Certain types, like the Enneagram 8 or 3, need a degree of competitiveness in a relationship. They enjoy passionate arguments or conflicts of interests, games, competitions, or projects where they can test their wits and be matched by the wits of the other person.

They need to be challenged by their partner. Other types like the Enneagram 2 or 9 need a degree of harmony and love and appreciation from their partners. I believe it can be a big mismatch to find a partner that is very focused on work when you need a partner that is more focused on love and giving.

Does our ideal partner have to give us everything we need?

I believe no person can give us everything we need. Our needs can change and vary. We may need to explore different needs in different situations. Everyone needs to work and our partners may not be able to help us fulfill a dream project, but if one partner wants to travel the world, and one wants to settle down in their home town, that can be a big mismatch.

That your partner likes to work may not have to be a problem if they can recognize what you need and can compromise. Love can help bridge any differences in a relationship and love can make us do things we normally would not do. I believe if you are having difficulties maintaining long term relationships… You need to work on the connection, on the love, you have to get to know yourself better, and your partner. What they find attractive, what you find attractive, what they need, what you need.

Some people can’t speak out for what they need. They tend to eventually blow up and lash out at their partners. Other people can be overly pushy and project their needs on the other person, asking too much of the other, making another person responsible for fulfilling you, dealing with your jealousy, your worries, your anger, or your struggles in work, career, or life.

I want to develop a wheel that can help predict some of these things in you. But I’m not sure how to illustrate it yet. If you want me to help you, send me a message on patreon.com/erikthor and I can help you discover more about the MBTI, dating and relationships.